The following stories contains descriptions of sexual assault, suicide, and other topics of similar nature.
“The first year of middle school was around the time I started noticing just a bit of anxiety. but at that point I thought it was normal because of the new school. I guess new environments and changes is really what causes anxiety for most people, and that’s definitely what triggered my anxiety then, but when I got into seventh grade it really became a real problem.”
"I had my first panic attack around the 3rd week of 7th grade, and within the next two weeks I probably had six or seven more. I remember one specifically when the teacher asked me to move seats and I just started crying uncontrollably and I had to be sent to the office for hours to calm down, and by this point I had to tell my parents. They took me to the doctor and I was formally diagnosed with agoraphobia and panic disorder."
“For me, panic attacks are sudden and uncontrollable. It’s kind of hard to describe because I know when it’s going to happen but I don’t at the same time. I know the signs of it before it happens and I try every time to calm myself down but it never works. Physically, I get sweaty and clammy; I shake a lot and I feel like the room is heating up. In my head, everything becomes louder and more annoying so if someone talks to me all I want to do is be left alone. It’s like their voice is so much louder than usually is and everything around me is just caving in and there’s no way to get out.”
“Emotionally, it’s indescribable because you’re feeling sad and anxious and scared and it’s all happening at the time so you don’t know which one to feel. For me, it sort of feels like I’m drowning in my own tears because I can’t breathe. I can’t see because my vision is blurred and it’s just the most unpleasant thing to experience. I can also say that it’s not very unpleasant because you feel that release of crying and getting out the emotions that you’re really trying to hold back, but afterwords is probably the worst because it gives me a headache and my eyes burn and all I want to do is sleep, but it usually happens at school so I can’t.”
“The first doctor’s visit was the most awkward experience of my life. I didn’t really know what panic attacks were until the nurse at school told me so I researched them online and I didn’t know if what I was experiencing could be described as a panic attack because it’s so different for every person. I just told the doctor how it felt but it was hard back then because I didn’t have as good of an understanding as I do now. He asked me where it usually happens and I always said the lunch room or in a big open bright classroom, and so he diagnosed me with agoraphobia. I didn’t even know that this was a word before he said it, so when he described it to me it was exactly what was happening to me.”
“I can honestly say that after that first doctors visit nothing really changed. My parents didn’t really understand what was going on. They still had the mind set that this was something that I could just get over, so from then on I did my best to hide it from them. I never told them when I was anxious or about anymore panic attacks, and they didn’t want me on medication so that wasn’t an option. I basically continued middle school with no change.”
“I had a few friends that tried to help me, or at least tried to understand what was wrong, but it was hard talking to people about it. The end of 8th grade was where it really got bad. The anticipation of high school was too much. I had never been to the building before the first day so I was going in blind. It made me have panic attacks just sitting in my room at home. One thing that really helped was being in the band. It gave me connections to older people who knew what anxiety was like and were willing to help me through the first few days.”
“It was definitely hard having parents that didn’t know what I was going through but I knew that they wanted to understand. My mom tried more then my dad but I think it was just because girls can talk about feelings a bit more freely then guys can, which is really sad to me. Society makes most guys think that emotions are just for girls, and that they have to be the “strong silent” type. I’m not saying my dad didn’t try at all, but we aren’t as close as my mom and I.”
“They both wanted me to get better but it’s hard to talk about it at all, to anyone. The one thing that I wanted to do was keep it to myself and just become a ‘loner’ type but I knew that it wasn’t an option. I couldn’t just sit back and not try to get better. That’s where band really helped me. Band forced me to be in situations that made me uncomfortable such as football games, and pep rallies.”
“I played trumpet for four years and-if you didn’t know already-trumpets are supposed to be the most obnoxious and have the biggest egos, which was totally not me, but that’s exactly what I needed. I needed that push of encouragement to make myself do things that made me uncomfortable and I eventually got so use to games and pep rallies that now they almost don’t affect me at all. It makes me feel great that I can go into the school gym full of people, or go on the field Friday night and not shed a tear.”
“The friends I made in band really understood that sometimes anxiety isn’t something that can just be turned off and on. If I had a panic attack or just cried they let me. Nobody made fun of me or tried to say that I was faking it for attention. I would say that getting involved in a school group or club is the best thing to do for someone with anxiety. It forms great friendships and helps boost confidence by like 110%. I’m not saying band got rid of my anxiety completely: it never fails that at the first away game I will have a panic attack because of the new setting, but with the band moms that help at the games, and the friends that I have made it is super easy to calm down and get back to playing.”
“I think my lowest point was when I started self harming by cutting myself. It started out small: I just did it every now and then and as time went on it got worse. It got to the point where I was doing it every day and it began to effect my everyday life. I couldn’t leave the house with shorts on and I couldn’t swim because I was scared of people seeing my scars. It became like an addiction. I couldn’t go more then a week before I had to do it again.”
“I knew that it wasn’t healthy and I knew that I shouldn’t be doing it but it became a part of my life that I didn’t think I could live without. It calmed me down and the constant scars and scabs reminded me that if I didn’t cry or panic, and just held on a little longer that I could just use my razor blades when I got home. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but now that I look back on it there are so many things that could have prevented it from getting that bad.”
“When I started self harming, a few friends knew about it. Most of the people that knew also self harmed so it was easy for us to talk about it to one another because we had that in common. I stopped for a long while, but I had a bad day at the end of my ninth grade year and my band teacher saw the cuts I had made the night before. He had to tell the office, and at that point they called my mom. I was sent home early, and we talked about it a little on the way home that day. She tried to understand why I was doing it but I don’t think she ever really did. From then on I stopped cutting. I feel like I disappointed her. Not because I was doing it, but because I didn’t talk to her about it and that’s what made me want to stop doing it for good this time.”
“It was really only three people that I mainly talked to about it. One of them moved in eighth grade so I was only left with two friends in high school. Neither of them were friends with each other, so we all didn’t hang out together, but I thought it was nice having friends that knew what it felt like to think that self harm was the only option. I could talk about how it felt and they understood where my mind was.”
“We all knew it was wrong and kept trying to make each other stop but it was really pointless since we all had problems with it. When I finally realized this, I stopped my friendships with them around the middle of ninth grade. I realized that if I had friends who didn’t do it themselves it made me think more about stopping instead of making up reasons to continue. I’m not saying they were bad friends but when we constantly talked about it, it made it harder to stop.”
“I think my highest point would be where I am right now. At this time emotionally, mentally, and physically I feel very good. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost nine months and my overall anxiety level is very low. My self image has also gotten a lot better. I don’t label myself as just someone with anxiety or agoraphobia anymore. I’m just me, and I’m stronger for having dealt with these problems. I have also learned better ways to deal with attack so that if I do have one it is easy to find a way to calm down. I’m not trying to hide anymore. I’m trying to get better with every day that passes. I do have my moments where I think that maybe I can’t do something or I don’t want to try something new in fear that the anxiety will take over again, but having that mindset won’t get me anywhere so I just have to be optimistic and I know that I will be okay.”
“I would tell myself to be more open with people and make more relationships. Keeping things to myself and not talking to anyone is what really caused my anxiety to take over. It might not feel like it at the moment, but talking really does help. It is a way to get out emotions. I would also say that self harm is not an option. There are always other ways to deal with things. Writing, drawing, or even reading. Reading really helps me now. It’s like an actual escape to a new place. There are just so many other healthy ways to deal with anxiety.”
“It’s not something that you should be embarrassed about or try to hide. That only makes things worse. You have to be optimistic and just try your hardest to help people understand what you’re going through so that they can do their best to help you. My main piece of advice would be to love yourself. Having a bad self image or putting a negative label on yourself will only cause problems and lower your self esteem.”
“As of right now, I’m not seeing any therapist and I’m not on any medication. I’ve never done either, and I think maybe if I had done either of those things my anxiety wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did but I am glad now, looking back, that I didn’t take medication. I didn’t want to become dependent on anything. I really just worked through it myself, and I still am. I do a lot of things to work out emotions on my own like journaling, and writing poetry. It really helps a lot to not get overwhelmed or stressed out so I try to be a pretty chill person most of the time. I also have friends that understand my anxiety and are willing to help me through anything.”
“I definitely feel that the support system I have now is the best it can be. I never have to hide my anxiety from anyone in my life and all the friends I have are very supportive and push me to try new things and get out of my comfort zone. I can also say that the adults in my life have a better understanding of I’m going through, which makes things so much easier for me.”
“Everyone has different safe spaces and triggers. Everyone also has different opinions which makes it hard to determine what exactly is valid and what is overreacting. There are so many things that can add stress or anxiety, such as an election, that there is really know way to tell how it would effect different people. Some people say that something like an election shouldn’t cause stress at all but I think it’s completely valid to become anxious about anything. I know I personally have triggers that are really strange to some people but it effects me differently then others. So yes I personally thing they are completely valid but it’s really all about perspective and opinion because the next person you ask could give a completely different answer.”
“I don’t think I have one specific safe space, it all just depends on where I am. If I’m at school then it is definitely the band room, which doesn’t make sense to me because it’s the type of environment that usually triggers my agoraphobia, but it is the one place in the school that I feel completely and totally comfortable. I’m used to my school schedule and I find a way in each class to be comfortable. Usually if my schedule gets changed or disrupted in anyway, I get really anxious, but that’s where the band room comes in handy. I know that I can always go there if I have any problems or anxiety that day. Another place that I would call a safe space is my youth room at church. I go there twice a week and I’m so used to it that it doesn’t bother me at all how many people are there or what we are doing that day.”
“Right now I’m part of a wonderful youth group at church. Everyone is so excepting and so nice that I never feel like there is a reason to hurt myself or to think negative thoughts so often. I think my relationship with God is what help me most times. I know I’m not the poster child for Christianity-I have a lot of growing to do spiritually-but the stronger my faith gets and the more I learn, The more I realize that God gave me this body for a reason and it’s not my place to harm it or change it like I used to. He wants me as I am not how I should be, anxiety and all. I do have times where I get in a sort of depressed state but I think everyone has their moments. Anytime I get like that, I try not to let it get to me to deeply-even though sometimes I can’t help it-because I know I have friends that are there for me when I feel like I’m going to relapse. I’ll usually text one of my friends and just talk to them about how I’m feeling and they’re all really understanding and try to help me through it, and I do the same for them if they’re feeling bad. We all try to look out for one another.”
“There are a lot of stigmas that come with mental health and mental health issues, one of them being self harm. You know when you tell someone you have anxiety or depression they will automatically think that you cut yourself or you harm yourself but that’s not always the case. Not everyone resorts to those sorts of things. I also definitely think that when some people hear mental illness they automatically think that someone’s doing it for attention. I know I’ve come across this multiple times and it’s not something that you can just prove on the spot. There’s no easy way to prove to someone that there is something wrong mentally that’s making you feel this way and I think that’s why a lot of people say that we are doing it for attention: they can’t see it or feel the way that we feel.”
“I’ve also come across a sort of discrimination, for lack of a better word. People think that I’m less and I can’t do what other people can do because of my anxiety. I remember my ninth grade year in band I had to play something in front of the class and I started crying. For the rest of the year anytime we had to do anything involving other people, he would always skip me and I had to go to him and tell him “I can do it, I’m not any different than anyone else. I just get a little overwhelmed sometimes”. Or I would have a counselor at school tell all my teachers to not draw attention to me in class or not let me raise my hand to answer when I’m completely able to answer a question. It’s things like these that are just enablers for anxiety they’re not doing any good and they’re not helping anyone get better. Having these stigmas against mental health issues or people with mental health issues isn’t going to get us anywhere and thinking negatively isn’t going to help anyone so I would encourage people to not judge before they understand the situation and always ask before assuming.”
“I feel like younger generations are learning more to not be ashamed of things like this and to accept others no matter their mental health. When it comes to safe spaces, I just don’t think older generations understand what it means and they are more hesitant to accept new ideas. As we go on, each generation is becoming more open minded and more accepting which I think is an amazing thing.”
“I think my best advice would be to not be afraid to talk about it. Yes, it’s going to be awkward and you might be uncomfortable, but talking helps so much more than you think. If you bottle it up and try to act as if nothing is wrong it will only make things worse. It doesn’t even have to be anyone of authority or someone older, you can literally just talk to a friend who you feel comfortable with. If you are that friend who they come to talk to, just listen. You don’t have to know the answers or even know how to help. Sometimes all someone needs is a friend to listen. Just know that you aren’t alone in any sense there is always someone you can go to no matter what.”
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