The following stories contains descriptions of sexual assault, suicide, and other topics of similar nature.
“My mother first struck me when I was 6. She would hit me sporadically but it was not consistent or too painful until I was around 11 years old. 12 is also when the sexual abuse began.”
“My mother was, and still is, a raging narcissist. She was unable to see outside the scope of her own issues. I kept it from everyone. Tim was extremely manipulative, and I lacked the relationship stability with my mother to believe she would do anything to actually help me. She cared more about how she was perceived by others than me. She also had me at 20 years old and told me as far back as I can remember that I had stolen her youth from her and to never have children of my own. So I think she was honestly blinded. At the time I didn’t think she’d believe me. Now, looking back, I know she wouldn’t. ”
“The first time she hit me. I was in first grade and was getting ready for school. I was looking into my bedroom mirror and was making fun of her. She overheard my childish remarks and appeared over my shoulder. When I turned around to face her, she smacked me, leaving a handprint across my cheek. She made me wait for the redness to go away before walking to my bus stop. She kept telling me to stop crying because she didn’t hit me that hard. ”
“I’ve had relatives tell me later that they knew I wasn’t treated right, and singled out against my siblings. The only person that spoke out against them, that I know of, was my uncle-my mom’s brother. And my mom cut him out of our lives because of it. ”
“I went to my dad’s house every other weekend, and every other week during summers. He wasn’t the most emotionally connected parent, but I knew that he was a very hard worker and he did what he could with what he had.”
“Tim and my mom had a whirlwind relationship. They met and got married within 6 months, I believe. They got married when I was 4. I remember either shortly after or just before their wedding, they sat me down and told me I could choose what I wanted to call Tim. Tim, or Dad. I chose Dad. ”
“Once they had my sister when I was 7, it seemed natural for me to be pushed to the side. I felt like my mom didn’t like me and Tim outright hated me. My mom had some anger issues and I don’t think Tim liked the fact that I was living and breathing proof that my mom had been with someone else.”
“To this day my mother denies that I experienced abuse.”
“My dad found out I was physically abused by my mother when I told him and my paternal grandparents when I was 14. They were outraged and upset but cautious. He didn’t know about the sexual abuse until last year, when I finally told him. I wanted to become more public about my experiences. It’s therapeutic for me. But I didn’t want him blindsided by anything.”
“I was talking to my aunt, my dad’s sister, right before we were going to sleep. I sat there thinking about it for a while. I remember my body getting hot all over when I quietly told her ‘My mom hits me.’”
“She was visibly shocked. We talked for a couple minutes and she asked if I wanted to tell my dad and grandparents. I said no but she stressed to me the need, and how they wouldn’t be upset with me. So the next morning she gathered everyone in the living room. My dad was really upset about it. He had to leave the room a couple times. My nana and papa were so supportive and calm. My papa handed me two dollars in quarters and told me the next time she does it, run as far away as I could to call help. The change was for a pay phone if I couldn’t find any other means of calling them. And several weeks later, I did.”
“It was the next incident. My mom got angry over something and accused me of wearing her underwear... which I didn’t. She shoved her underwear in my face, pushed me back so I fell on my bed and was screaming at me. It honestly wasn’t the worst event or the most emotionally taxing. But after telling my dad’s side, I guess I got the confidence I needed to believe I could get away...or believe that I should get away. I told myself I stayed for my siblings. I wanted them to remember me, I wanted them to love me. And I guess that’s true. But I was too afraid of what would happen if I tried to get away but was forced to go back. ”
“After she left my room, I told myself that was the one. That was the reason. I grabbed my backpack and locked myself in the upstairs bathroom in our apartment. I debated and tried to talk myself out of it. I threw my backpack out of the window to the top of our laundry room roof. I told myself getting out was the hardest part, and all I had to do was follow my backpack. So I did. Tim saw me. I had been crouched down but when we made eye contact, I stood up and acknowledged defeat. He didn’t say a word to me, instead he brought out a ladder and placed it at the side of the laundry room and then went inside.”
“I couldn’t use the ladder, the angle was off and it wasn’t stable. So instead I sat at the side of the roof, swung open our exterior laundry room door (which was always open) and slid myself so that I was sitting on top of the door and jumped off. By this time, I heard my mom screaming ‘My baby, my baby’ in the front. Tim had told her I’d ran away before I had even left. I grabbed the ladder and used it to climb the fence into the back yard of the neighbor behind us. They had a small chain linked fence in the front so that was easy. That lead me to a street where I ran to the movie rental store we always used, and I asked to use the phone. I called my dad and I called my best friend at the time and told them I’d go to the park.”
“My dad called the cops, and had my nana and papa meet me there. They took me back to the apartment to tell them that I didn’t want to live with them. My mom made a huge show of sobbing and asking God why. I told her in front of the officers it was because she hit me to which she replied ‘You know I have never hit you in your life.’”
“I moved in with my dad...Tim wouldn’t let me take my clothes. He said they bought them so I shouldn’t get to take them. So we left with what I had on and a backpack full of my school work. That is all I was allowed to take with me. ”
“My dad was strict. He wanted me to do well. After moving in with him and changing schools again, I focused more on finding friends than my grades. I acted out in class and got into trouble a lot during my first year with him. My dad always did what he thought was best for me. He wasn’t exactly understanding, but to be fair, he really was in the dark about most of what I endured. I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. But it didn’t.”
“I had friends and family I could have talked to and they would have supported me, but I chose not to. It goes back to avoidance and disconnect. If I didn’t acknowledge the issues I was having, they weren’t there. I was afraid that they would say it wasn’t that bad or I was overreacting. I had these huge feelings about everything but was too afraid I’d burden others with my issues, so I kept them to myself. It took a couple years of friendship before I told some of my closest friends a very condensed unemotional version. ”
“I’ve actually found that a lot of people who haven’t experienced childhood trauma lack the capacity to really understand it. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that I should forgive my mother because she’s the only one I have...so it’s bittersweet because on one hand you’re glad someone can finally relate, but on the other, you’re sad and heartbroken for them. It changes the way you build relationships in that way. ”
“I was having panic attacks and I would have manic episodes that were affecting my marriage. I kinda realized I was going to lose everything I’d I didn’t get help.”
“He was the first person I told about the abuse. We started talking about marriage and I felt like it wasn’t right for me to keep it from him. He was supportive and understanding. He let me know it wasn’t my fault and that he loved me despite everything. It was very comforting. ”
“Then, having built up the courage to talk about the sexual abuse and getting such positive feedback from my husband, I thought maybe it was time for my mom to know as well. We were on speaking terms at the time and so I called her and told her what Tim had done. She instantly started crying and said ‘If you told me when it happened, I would have left him... and none of that bad stuff would have happened to me.’ I’m not sure how long it took but after I left, they decided to divorce. It was apparently really bad, emotionally and financially. My mom was homeless for a while, other things happened too but that’s not my story to tell. So that’s the ‘bad stuff’ she referred to when I told her that Tim had sexually abused me.”
“We’ve gone back and forth a lot. It wasn’t until I realized that I was constantly molding myself to fit her needs, as I had done my whole life, that I cut her off for good. Our last argument was about 2 years ago. Although she did contact me over Instagram last year and said she’s sorry but she could never love me or my child the way she loves my siblings. I told her I had PTSD because of my childhood and she said to have a good life. It’s nonexistent today. Shes too toxic. I won’t have someone in my life who refuses to, at the very least, acknowledge their mistakes.”
“She’s too emotionally violent, she hasn’t changed since I was a kid. If I did or said something to upset her, which ranges from unintentionally disagreeing with a political opinion, to being vocal about my experiences, she takes it as a personal attack and will say anything and everything to hurt me. And she doesn’t just throw insults, she’s said that she doesn’t believe Tim ever abused me and that it’s only a matter of time before I accuse my husband of abuse too. Which I never have and he never will. She specifically kicks you where she knows it hurts. And her outbursts are irrational and sporadic. ”
“One time, while I was trying to salvage our relationship, she was out of a job so we sent her some money to pay a couple bills. We never wanted that money back and never asked. She then held it over our heads and said we were acting like we were better than her. She claims she wasn’t invited to my baby shower-which I remember when I invited my siblings I told them that she could come, but she had to work-and that emotionally scarred her, apparently. But when I told her I was pregnant, she called my unborn child a ‘wetback’ because my husband is Hispanic. She’s too volatile to have in my life, especially since I have my daughter now. I’m here to protect my child in every way my mother failed.”
“She has never been someone in her life. They met once right before my daughter turned two. Riley doesn’t know or remember her, and I intend to keep it that way. She has never asked about my mom, but I give her age appropriate explanations to provide context. She knows that her mommy’s mom wasn’t a very good mommy. And that’s as much as she needs to know as of now. I will be open and honest with her throughout her life. She knows that she is loved, and that is more than a lot of kids have.”
“She’s had meltdowns that trigger my panic attacks. I’ll hear my mother’s voice in mine when I talk. It’s extremely unsettling.”
“I get intrusive thoughts that I cannot control, I can’t breathe, sometimes my vision gets spotty, I feel weight on my chest, and I’m usually sobbing uncontrollably. The intrusive thoughts are usually related to memories of my abuse. When she’s upset and crying, I see myself in her. I see me as an abused child in front of me. It’s really distressing. Luckily through therapy that hasn’t happened in a while. I’m most susceptible to those episodes when I’m alone for extended amounts of time. My husband really keeps me sane and in check. So if he’s gone for whatever reason, I second guess everything and that sets me up for failure.”
“Positively goes without saying, he keeps me balanced. Negatively, it puts extra stress on him. Sometimes I’m unable to support him in the way he needs because I’m wrapped up in my own issues. It was worse before I started therapy. I didn’t have any way to calm myself down, I ignored what was happening to avoid admitting I needed help. I wasn’t in a healthy place. Now, on my worst day, I’m miles ahead of where I was.”
“I’m really good at keeping it to myself. My circle is intentionally very small. I have about four really good friends, and of those I’ve only been around two when I’ve had episodes. I keep it contained and only reach out to those I know would never shut me out. It goes back to the fear of rejection, I think.”
“Hopeful is hard to answer. Any day where I don’t think everyone around me is better off without me is hopeful. I think I’m currently in a big turning point. Not quite turned around, but a whole lot better than I’ve ever been. Being able to recognize my behaviors and self destructive patterns helps a lot. I’ve never had as much control over my emotions, or mental health in general, in my life. Feeling and being confident is also new. ”
“Of course. I imagine there always will be days that are harder than others...I keep myself from slipping into that toxic mindset by calling a friend or writing out my feelings at that time.”
“I write on paper, nothing organized or specific. I’ll write my thought and feelings to help process my emotions. My most notable is a letter to my mother. I’ll never send it, I wrote it knowing I wasn’t sending it. But it really helped at the time.”
“There’s absolutely a stigma. No one that is close to me has responded negatively. I’ve had a few people tell me I should stop blaming my mother for my problems and be an adult. But, they don’t know me so it doesn’t hurt. I just smile and say something like ‘Yep, that’s what my abusers think, too.’ and move on. ”
“I think those who have experienced mental illness-whether directly or indirectly-understand it. Those without that experience seem to find it easier to brush off or ignore it’s severity.”
“When you lack the experience, it’s easy to lack the compassion. There are certainly those who misuse and over use the term trigger. It’s almost a joke now, but my triggers elicit a very real response from me and I know this is true for others. I was in class last quarter and my instructor kept talking about rape, very nonchalantly. I almost had to leave the room. If I hadn’t been in therapy, I’m positive I would have broken down. So, sure, I think there’s logic behind it, but I also think it’s easily dismissed. The world doesn’t have to cater to me. I can just as easily exit an area if I’m too distressed. If I miss important assignment information while I collect myself, that is my responsibility, if that makes sense.”
“I’m just not there yet. I’m still in a large battle with myself every single day. I’m just a huge ball of anxiety right now and I’m not sure what the point of this is other than to tell you that this isn’t really complete because I’m still struggling. ”
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